Second Guessing

Since the moment I found out I was expecting, I have been second guessing myself. I constantly ask myself, “Am I doing enough?” When I was pregnant, it was enough sleep, enough vitamins, enough healthy food. Am I gaining enough weight? Too much weight? Drinking enough water or too much soda? After Mikey was born, it was am I producing enough milk? Holding him enough? Too much? Do I worry too much (No.) Is he growing enough? Why is he so small? Do I read to him enough? Is he getting enough nutrition? Enough sleep?

I don’t know why I can’t just accept the fact that there is no certain answer to most of those questions. People tell me that I’m a good mom. I don’t feel like it sometimes. I feel like I’m doing the best that I can, but it’s never going to be good enough for my son. He deserves the best. I don’t know if this second guessing will ever go away. I hope some day it does.

I love being a mom and spending time with my son. I love all the new things he is learning every day. I love how he lights up when he sees my face in the mornings, how he runs to the door yelling, “Daddy!” when Mark gets home. I love his personality (I almost said “little personality,” but if you know my son, there is nothing “little” about his personality!) I love watching him play. I love watching him sleep. I love how happy he always is, even when he’s sick.

I may second guess a lot of my decisions as a mother, but one thing I will never second guess is how special Mikey is to me and how much I love him. I thought I knew what love was growing up. I loved my family, my friends. I loved reading, going to school, being in band. I love my husband and have since we started dating in high school. I know my parents loved me, too, but I didn’t realize the depth of their love until I became a parent myself. It’s the kind of love that makes you smile just thinking about your little one. It’s the love where you would go without eating, sleeping, bathing, doing things for yourself, just so that your child can have what they want and need. I would give my life for Mikey, without hesitation. Even now, after 16 months, I still find myself in awe that I am this little boy’s Mommy. God has blessed me so richly!

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